Cost Cutting

The term 'Cost Cutting' was made famous post-dot-com-bust era. Everyone has heard it been used, sometimes, closer to heart, sometimes farther away from it. What would be life, if we can't make fun of it and have a few hearty laughs at the expense of 'Cost Cutting'.

A multi-million dollar company - ( yeah which company will be run for less than a million, the CEO's salary would eat most of it :P ) - suddenly, faces the heat from the board/investors. These are the first few steps they will take

* They will convene a board-meeting at the costliest hotel ever known to mankind and decide 'Cost cutting' is the only way out.

* To set the cost-cutting process in motion, the first item that will save them millions of dollars is...... pen. Yes, the number of pens that will be available will be cut-down. You will have 5-10 pens for about 100 people in an office. Ofcourse, there is a good reason for this move - are you not using 'e'-verything ? why do you need a pen ?

* If you don't need pen, why do you need papers ?. There will be this circular that will be printed on the costliest color-printer based stationery, which will break the news that, printers will not be equipped with papers anymore. However, you are free to bring your own papers to print out what you need.

It will be announced that, the initial cost-cutting measures will give the company much needed savings, that the senior management, will now declare a raise for themsevles.

* Few months, later, the board convenes yet again in the costliest hotel ever, and takes a 'hard' look at the numbers and decide the cost-savings is not good enough and decide to hire a consulting firm to help them identify measures of cost-cutting and agree to pay them $500k. The consultants would come in and identify, many more items in the stationery drawer that need not be around, like, stapler, clips, glue, files, folders etc.

* Toilet tissue usage will be rationed as well. Higher your grade, more tissues you will get. Usage over-and-above your quota, would be directly deducted from your salary.

* Restrooms breaks will be clocked.

* Trash cans will not be provided. You have take care of throwing out your own trash.

* Fresh air savings scheme will be introduced to reduce the A.C/Electricity costs

* Musical chairs will be introduced for desks. To cut down on cost of playing music, the division boss will take care of croon'ing and he will never stop ;)

* Mouse pads will be auctioned off.

* Only ONE machine will have internet connectivity for the entire company. That desk, will obviously not have a chair.

* Telephones will be replaced with throw-away plastic cups tied together via shoe laces. Yes, you silly - you will have to supply the shoe-laces. Ofcourse, you can't talk to anyone but your colleague next door.

* You have the option of, deferring your weekly salary, interest free until Y3K. And you have to personally appear to collect the same. To compensate for the non-availability of weekly pay, you will be offered a loan with low-interest rate of 10%.

Few more things will happen, including hiking the severance pay of the CEO, because his services are needed during the crisis and they want to retain him.

Ultimately, the company will go bankrupt and the high cost of human resources will be blamed for the disaster.

The business model of the company, 'eTrash' - check the status of your trash can at home, anytime online - was sound enough ! and it was too bad, the employees let the company down.

P.S: While you are busy commenting, let me go check whether someone has already patented this idea :P

Disclaimer : Any coincidences to companies living or dead is purely accidental and unintentional. If it did, I admire your company's cost-cutting strategies - are you hiring ?. If it did not, i can run the cost-cutting-office for you, on one-condition, that whatever you plan on saving, you should alteast give me 200% of that :-)