Self, Realization...

Disclaimer : This is not written to demean, blaspheme, accuse any individual(s), sect(s), religion(s), philisophy(ies) that are out there. It is just a random collection of thoughts that sprung up. It is long, does not have a structure. It is simply there to promote thinking in you. It may be too 'heavy' stuff for you to take or it may be 'right in the alley' for you. You can call it aimless, you can call it philosophical, you can call it junk.

He was always known for his thoughtful outlook towards life. There would not be a single moment that would pass-by in his life, without him thinking about something. It could be,'how could i have arranged the forms correctly, so that the teller at the bank need not have gotten the doubt as to whether i filled all of them correctly' when he had gone in for a loan application and the teller as part her normal process doubly checked to make sure all forms have been brought in. or 'should i have walked to the front door while the bus was still preparing to come to a stop' when he got off via the back-door, so that he could have been in office 30 seconds earlier.

He'd always wonder about taking lesser tissues than grabbing a whole bunch that his fingers can manage, at fast-food places so that, there would lesser need to refill them, hence lesser expenditure, thereby helping to keep the increase in costs of consumer prices lower. The less said better , about the ketchups, sauces, salt, pepper, water and many more items.

No one had ventured to ask him, whether him eating one packet less of ketchup would really keep the prices lower. He was prepared to meet that eventuality as well. "How would one say a definitive 'yes' or 'no' to the question, hence the benefit of doubt should go towards saving it". He would think of electricity, water and many other resources like that.

He will conduct an elaborate mock-interview about every situation he imagined he'd have to confront. He would think about various uncomfortable questions that people would ask him, if he had to say 'no' to them, when they will ask him for a favor.

He will go back to the grocery store and point out that some item had been charged less and would pay it promptly. And at the same time, think thousand times before nervously stepping in front of the counter to tell them, that they have charged him higher than what he should have been charged.

It was not him. It was his upbringing. He was always trained to think about 'others' first. He used to construct complex theories about 'God'. He would think about whether 'God' really had thousands of forms of appearance. He would think about whether 'miracles' can happen. He would try to construct a conspiracy theory to every such act. At the same time, he would believe that a super-natural power did exist. Any thing that happened after such thinking sessions would be ascribed to 'God' not being happy at him trying to think bad about 'him'.

He'd always tell others that the more scientific one gets, the more agnostic one gets. He read a lot about philosophy. Conflicting theories about purpose of life, about self-realization, all dished out by other people who are all mortals, like him.

He would ask the question that has been asked million times before, 'If everything is God's creation, why does evil exist?' or 'If world is a stage where all of us play out our parts, why does the world need to exist'. He would immediately recoil in horror, thinking about how that question meant, 'questioning the motive for the existence of life and hence existence of God'

He believed in prayers. He'd seriously ask for peace everywhere. He believed that if only everything happened peacefully, how wonderful life would be. He would ask for fulfillment of his loved ones 'wants'. If only his parents' prayers were fullfilled, it would mean he would be happy, since his parents would only wish for his well-being, he would argue.

He read somewhere that, removing 'wants' from life is the first step towards detaching self from the materalistic world. He will argue within himself, 'is not removing a want, a want in itself ?'. He will think 'is not praying for something, wanting something ?' and then he'd be back to reality. He was out of milk, he can never get a full night of sleep without a warm cup of it.

He would once again think, 'if all of us do what we feel is good for themselves, as judged by one's moral values, then why is there something called evil. Since there is nothing absolute in the world other than 'almighty' why would anything be always good or always evil. What is evil today might be good tomorrow he would reason. 'Hence, why should', he'd ask, 'people judge. Only HE can judge'.

He would always ask himself, if there is nothing absolute in this world, except for 'the absolute' there is NO way of knowing what is the 'right answer' to the questions that anyone in the world might have. That would mean all his thinking so far, can produce answers, but never to be ascertained as 'right answer'.

He badly wanted to meet with some old wisdom filled soul that can enlighten him. But he knew deep inside him, if he got the same answer he got right now, he'd still not stop thinking about life or if he got a different answer, how did he even know he got the right answer.

At the end of the day, he will tell himself, that he is no-fu(a)rther in his understanding about life and it makes fullest sense, that his ancestors did not promote thinking along such lines, since he knew, at best it could only be thinking. There is NO WAY of knowing *the truth*. One might as well continue living in the material world, catering to carnal pleasures he'd console himself and proclaim that whenever he is idle, his mind becomes 'devil's workshop', get his warm cup of milk and sleep